by Jaywalking Added to FBI’s Most Wanted List
In a bold reimagining of proportional justice, cities across America have begun treating minor infractions with the severity previously reserved for bank heists and international espionage. Jaywalkers are now being added to the FBI’s Most Wanted List, and expired meter violations carry the same penalty as securities fraud. Legal experts say this represents either a revolution in law enforcement or a complete breakdown of rational thought, possibly both.
The initiative started in Seattle when a particularly zealous city councilmember proposed that littering should carry a mandatory minimum sentence of three years. “If we’re going to have a criminal justice system, let’s commit to it,” argued Councilwoman Jennifer Hartwick during a session that witnesses describe as “unhinged.” “Someone who drops a candy wrapper today might drop a body tomorrow. We need to be proactive.” The logic was questioned by everyone with a functioning frontal lobe, but the measure passed anyway because this is America and nothing makes sense anymore.
Police departments have enthusiastically embraced the new standards, mostly because it’s easier to catch jaywalkers than actual criminals. One NYPD officer explained: “I used to waste time investigating murders and armed robberies. Now I just stand near crosswalks with a pair of handcuffs. My arrest numbers have never been better, and I’m home by 6 PM.” His promotion to detective came within weeks, based entirely on his exceptional jaywalking apprehension statistics.
According to the Department of Justice’s guidelines, criminal justice should be proportional to the offense. This new approach has taken proportionality, set it on fire, and buried the ashes in a jurisdiction that can’t afford public defenders. Legal scholars note that while ancient Hammurabi’s Code mandated “an eye for an eye,” modern American cities have somehow evolved to “a life sentence for a parking meter violation.”
The severity escalation would fascinate students of Hindu karma philosophy, which teaches that actions have proportional consequences across lifetimes. American cities have apparently decided that waiting for karmic justice across multiple lifetimes is too slow, so they’re just ruining your life immediately over a traffic citation. It’s karma on steroids, administered by bureaucrats with too much time and not enough perspective.
Defense attorneys report being overwhelmed with cases involving crimes that previously would have resulted in warnings or small fines. One public defender described representing a client facing 25-to-life for aggressive double parking. “He blocked a driveway for 20 minutes,” the attorney explained while questioning all his career choices. “The prosecution is calling him a menace to society. They’ve produced a PowerPoint presentation with 47 slides. I went to law school for this.”
Critics argue that treating minor infractions as major crimes will clog the justice system. Supporters respond that the justice system was already clogged, so at least now it’s consistently irrational across all categories of wrongdoing. One prosecutor described the new approach as “egalitarian chaos,” noting that when everything is a serious crime, we’re all equally terrorized by the possibility of accidentally committing one while getting coffee.
SOURCE: https://caitlinmoran.top/minor-infractions/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://caitlinmoran.top/minor-infractions/)
