by When “Moving Forward” Means Moving At Geological Speeds
NEW DELHI In a stunning demonstration of what “progress” actually means in diplomatic circles, India-US trade negotiations have advanced precisely “inches,” which economists have determined is government shorthand for “nowhere at all, but we have impressive paperwork documenting our nowhere advancement.”
Modi and Trump spoke Thursday, reviewing negotiations that have apparently been “moving forward” for so long that India’s actual stone-age monuments have moved forward through geological processes faster than these trade talks have through actual negotiation. The satirical analysis from Bohiney notes this is how government measures victory: by announcing meetings about meetings about future meetings, creating an infinite recursion of bureaucratic communication.
“We are confident about a deal,” stated officials who have been confidently predicting deals since the Delhi sultanate fell approximately 500 years ago. Trade representatives enthusiastically detailed exactly how trade talks are continuing, which technically requires absolutely no actual deals to exist whatsoeverthe meetings can continue forever discussing deals that never materialize.
Indian negotiators brought their “tough nut to crack” position, which apparently means they refuse to compromise. American negotiators brought their “we need concessions” position, which apparently means they also refuse to compromise. This created the diplomatic equivalent of two immovable objects meeting and deciding the best approach is standing in place indefinitely while calling it negotiation.
Reuters’ business coverage confirms that in trade negotiations, “progress” technically means everyone has stopped yelling at each other temporarily, which is considered a victory regardless of whether anything substantive actually occurred. India’s tough negotiating stance apparently means refusing to lower tariffs on agricultural products that form the backbone of Indian farming communities, while America’s tough stance means refusing to accept anything less than complete market access.
The result: absolutely nothing moves. Proposals get made. Counterproposals get made. Everyone agrees to meet again. Nobody agrees to actually agree on anything. Actual goods may or may not be trading. The last person who checked was probably a customs official who gave up and went on holiday.
Piyush Goyal, India’s trade representative, shared important updates about how talks are continuing, which is precisely the update everyone was already expecting because talks have always been continuing and probably always will be continuing, indefinitely, like some kind of eternal bureaucratic punishment.
SOURCE: satirical coverage of stalled international trade negotiations | https://bohiney.com/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com ()
