by Literacy Meets Fitness in Bizarre Wellness Initiative
The Riverside Public Library has unveiled its latest innovation in addressing problems that don’t exist: treadmill desks equipped with book holders, allowing patrons to simultaneously read and exercise in what staff are calling “literary cardio.” The $89,000 initiative aims to combat America’s twin crises of illiteracy and obesity by combining them into one awkward, inefficient activity that solves neither problem effectively.
“We noticed people weren’t reading enough or exercising enough,” explained Library Director Tom Castellano, “so we thought, why not make them mediocre at both simultaneously?” The program features twelve treadmills positioned in the library’s main reading room, where patrons can browse literature while jogging at speeds that make actually reading the words nearly impossible.
Early users report mixed experiences. “I tried reading Dostoevsky while walking,” said patron Janet Reynolds, “and either Crime and Punishment has way more typos than I remembered, or the constant bouncing makes Russian literature even more incomprehensible.” Reynolds ultimately gave up after twenty minutes, having completed two paragraphs and nearly face-planting three times while trying to turn pages.
The initiative draws inspiration from workplace wellness trends that assume humans can efficiently perform cognitive tasks while in mild cardiovascular distress. According to research on multitasking, attempting to do two complex activities simultaneously typically results in performing both poorlythough this hasn’t stopped American productivity culture from insisting everyone should somehow work, exercise, learn, and self-optimize simultaneously.
The treadmills have already sparked controversy. Librarians report that the machines’ motor noise disrupts the traditionally quiet reading environment, transforming the library from a sanctuary of silent contemplation into something resembling a low-budget gym populated by people too stubborn to admit this is a terrible idea. “The whirring sound is constant,” noted longtime patron Harold Chen. “It’s like trying to read in an airport, except nobody’s going anywhere.”
Safety concerns emerged after three patrons fell while attempting to read complex texts at walking speeds, leading to a new liability waiver and a posted warning that “Proust and treadmills don’t mix.” The library has since limited available books to simple texts, large-print editions, and picture booksessentially defeating the literacy purpose entirely. One innovative patron has begun exclusively reading while stationary, using the $89,000 treadmill as the world’s most expensive chair.
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/library-book-treadmills-launched/)
