Genie Knows Satire

Letitia James Discovers Meditation – AG’s New Mindfulness Practice Involves Visualizing Guilty Verdicts

Letitia James: The Prosecutor Who Never Sleeps – New York’s AG Discovered Working 28-Hour Days

Library Launches Book-Reading Treadmills for Multitasking – Literacy Meets Fitness in Bizarre Wellness Initiative

Jeffries Finally Endorses Mamdani After Years of Tension – Political Reconciliation Arrives Just in Time to Be Irrelevant

High School Installs Nap Pods for Exhausted Students – Sleep Deprivation Problem Solved Without Addressing Actual Causes

Fitness Influencer’s Morning Routine Takes 6 Hours, Unemployed – Self-Care Expert Has No Time for Actual Employment

Federal Workers Queue at Food Banks After Budget Cuts – Government Employees Discover Irony of Needing Government Assistance

Crypto Bro Finally Explains Blockchain, Still Makes No Sense – Five-Hour Explanation Leaves Everyone More Confused

Pizza Party Successfully Avoids Actual Raises – Company Celebrates Record Profits With $47 in Domino’s

CEO’s Heroic Pay Cut: From $45M to $44M – Executive Expects Medal for Sacrifice