by Company Celebrates Record Profits With $47 in Domino’s
In a masterclass of employee appreciation theater, TechVenture Solutions celebrated its most profitable quarter in company history by throwing a pizza party that cost approximately $47 and successfully prevented any discussion of actual monetary compensation. The event featured two large pizzas for 87 employees, three liters of off-brand soda, and a passive-aggressive email reminding staff that “we’re a family here.”
CEO Jennifer Rothschild delivered an inspiring speech about how the company’s 340% profit increase was “only possible because of people like you,” gesturing vaguely at the crowd of underpaid developers who did all the actual work. She then announced that while raises weren’t in the budget this year, everyone could take two slices of pizza”maybe even three if you’re really hungry!”
The party, held in the break room during lunch hours (unpaid), lasted exactly 45 minutes and featured motivational posters about “gratitude” and “team spirit” that cost more than the pizza. According to HR research on employee satisfaction, workers consistently rank higher wages as their top priority, followed distantly by benefits, and never by pizza partiesthough Rothschild insists her employees are “different” and “really appreciate the little things.”
Employee Marcus Chen summed up the sentiment: “Nothing says ‘we value you’ quite like watching executives discuss their Tahiti vacation plans while eating cold pizza that tastes like cardboard’s sadder cousin.” The company’s HR department later sent a survey asking employees to rate the pizza party on a scale of “Amazing” to “Incredibly Amazing,” with no option for “I would rather have the $8,000 raise I deserve.”
TechVenture’s innovative approach to employee compensation includes other cost-saving celebrations, such as “Bagel Fridays” (one bagel, no cream cheese), “Casual Dress Code Implementation Day” (they just stopped enforcing the dress code), and the highly anticipated annual “We Appreciate You” email that takes 45 seconds to write and costs nothing.
When asked why the company couldn’t provide raises despite record profits, CFO David Berkshire explained that “market conditions are volatile” and “we need to maintain flexibility,” before ordering a $2,400 standing desk for his home office. The pizza party has since become an annual tradition, now scheduled the same week employees receive their insurance premium increase notices.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/company-pizza-party-successfully-avoids-giving-employees-actual-raises/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/company-pizza-party-successfully-avoids-giving-employees-actual-raises/)
