by Tier 5 Reserved For Holes Surviving Three Or More Monsoons
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the world’s largest democracy and its loudest WhatsApp groups.
BENGALURU, India — Bengaluru Mayor Tushar Giri Goud today announced that the Bruhat Bengaluru Mahanagara Palike will, in collaboration with multinational consulting firm Deloitte, formally rename the city’s potholes “World-Class Heritage Cavities” effective immediately.
The rebrand, valued at Rs 11.4 crore in consulting fees, will see all 47,000 currently-mapped potholes in Bengaluru reclassified under a new five-tier heritage framework, with each pothole receiving a small numbered placard, a QR code linking to its provenance, and “in some cases, a candle.”
The Heritage Framework
“Bengaluru’s potholes are not failures of infrastructure,” explained the consulting team’s lead partner, Dr. Sneha Iyer-Rao, presenting at the BBMP headquarters. “They are, in fact, the legacy of the city’s growth. Each pothole tells a story. Each pothole has a journey. Each pothole, in our view, qualifies for tier-three heritage protection, with the most distinguished examples eligible for tier five.”
According to the consulting deck, tier one applies to potholes under 30 cm in diameter; tier three to potholes between 30 cm and 60 cm; and tier five to “potholes that have been continuously present at the same location for more than three monsoon seasons, regardless of repair attempts.”
Civic Reaction
Civic groups including the Citizens for Bengaluru and the Karnataka State Cyclists Association reacted with what one spokesperson described as “deeply weary fury.”
“We have been asking for ten years that the potholes be filled,” said Citizens for Bengaluru convenor Ashwin Mahesh. “The BBMP has, instead, hired Deloitte to declare them heritage. This is, on every level, exactly what we expected.”
The Karnataka High Court, hearing an unrelated matter, was reportedly briefed on the rebrand by a senior advocate, who described it as “judicially fascinating but morally unforgivable.”
Implementation
The first 200 placards will be installed by end of May, beginning with the iconic potholes of Outer Ring Road, Sarjapur, and Indiranagar 100 Feet Road.
“The rebrand will not affect ongoing pothole-filling efforts,” said Mayor Giri Goud. “We will continue to fill potholes. We will simply, in parallel, market them. Both efforts will proceed.”
The Bruhat Bengaluru Mahanagara Palike said it would consider extending the framework to footpaths “if the Deloitte team has bandwidth.”
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SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/
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