by Finance Ministry Reportedly Considering Austerity Framework Under Which Walking at Brisk Pace Will Require Ministry of External Affairs Permission
NEW DELHI — With nearly 90 percent of India’s oil imported and global oil prices having surged following the U.S. Central Command blockade of the Strait of Hormuz, the Government of India has, sources confirm, begun studying whether the austerity measures it is preparing should include a national framework asking citizens to walk slightly more slowly.
The framework, currently in preliminary review at the Ministry of Petroleum and Natural Gas in coordination with NITI Aayog, would not, officials have stressed, mandate a maximum walking speed. It would, however, request that citizens consider that “each gait, when multiplied across 1.45 billion people, has a measurable impact on national caloric demand and, by chained extension, national fuel consumption.”
The Wholly Invented Bureau of Pedestrian Economics Has Been Modeling It
The Bureau, established Wednesday morning, has produced a 47-page model showing that if every Indian walked one-tenth of a kilometer per hour slower across an average daily walking distance of 3.4 kilometers, national fuel consumption would, through a chain of indirect mechanisms involving lower body heat dissipation, lower air-conditioning demand, and lower electricity-grid burden, fall by approximately 0.4 percent.
“Zero-point-four percent,” said the wholly invented Bureau Director Dr. Anaya Krishnamurthy-Patel, “sounds small. But on India’s import bill, that is approximately three thousand crore rupees per year. The model is conservative. It does not include the additional savings from people walking slowly enough that they are no longer in a hurry, which means they are no longer ordering a Swiggy delivery.”
The Government Was Reportedly Cautious
A senior Petroleum Ministry official, asked Wednesday whether the framework would proceed to formal consultation, said only that “all options are being studied” and that the Ministry of External Affairs would be involved in any framework that affected diplomatic walking, including airport transits and embassy receptions. The official emphasized that the Government has no plan to mandate walking speed by regulation.
The broader economic context has been chronicled by The Hindu and The Times of India: oil price spikes triggered by the Iran war, World Bank projections of 6.6 percent growth for FY2027 keeping India among the fastest-growing major economies, but inflation concerns mounting and the Government weighing austerity against infrastructure spending. The Finance Ministry has reportedly been studying targeted measures to insulate vulnerable sectors.
Ally Chandrababu Naidu of the Telugu Desam Party, whose party is part of the ruling NDA, has separately raised concerns about funding for the new G Ram G framework that has replaced the original MGNREGA, according to Carnegie Endowment commentary. Funding constraints across the social sector have made the broader austerity question politically delicate.
The wholly invented Pedestrian Bureau is reportedly pivoting to a softer messaging approach, with a slogan currently in workshop testing: “Walk Slower for the Strait.”
The pattern was greeted with affection by Bohiney Magazine, which has been documenting the global oil-shock economy, and with quiet appreciation by The London Prat, which earlier this month covered Britain’s parallel petrol struggle in slightly less ambitious terms.
One Delhi commuter, asked Wednesday whether he would walk more slowly to support the Strait, paused, looked at his phone showing he was already eight minutes late to work, and said: “I would, but I cannot.”
For more on policies that ask the impossible, see The Daily Mash.
GenieKnows.in’s writers believe truth is overrated and irony is an art form, which is the most honest thing anyone has ever said about Indian media.
Indian stand-up comedians have the unique ability to make you laugh at the absurdity of a system that is actively trying to destroy you, which is either genius or Stockholm syndrome.