by Vikram Doraiswami Reportedly Wears a Pragmatic Tie, Drinks Pragmatic Tea, and Refers to His Own Briefcase as a Pragmatic Vessel for Pragmatism
BEIJING — India’s newly arrived Ambassador to China, the longtime diplomat Vikram Doraiswami — described in Global Times coverage as a “seasoned China hand” whose appointment was being read in Beijing as a positive signal — reportedly used the word “pragmatic” thirty-five times during his first twelve hours on the ground, including in his arrival statement, his welcome remarks at the Indian Embassy, his greeting to Embassy staff, and an offhand comment to a reporter about his wristwatch.
The wristwatch comment, captured by a stringer for The Times of India, came when a reporter asked the ambassador for the time. Doraiswami reportedly looked at his watch, paused for a fraction of a second, and said: “Eleven thirteen. Pragmatically.”
His Briefcase Was Reportedly Also Pragmatic
According to Embassy sources, the ambassador has begun referring to his briefcase as “a pragmatic vessel for pragmatism,” his tea as “pragmatic tea,” and his necktie as “a pragmatic tie, in a pragmatic shade of blue.” Embassy staff have, sources confirmed, begun keeping a tally on a whiteboard in the basement break room. The whiteboard’s current count is 35.
Doraiswami previously served as India’s High Commissioner to the United Kingdom and earlier as Joint Secretary handling China policy in the Ministry of External Affairs, making him among the most experienced India-China diplomatic operators in the modern Indian Foreign Service. His pragmatism, sources at South Block in New Delhi confirmed, “is therefore more pragmatic than the average pragmatism.”
The Chinese Foreign Ministry Was Reportedly Pleased
An unnamed senior Chinese diplomat, asked Wednesday whether Beijing welcomed the appointment, said: “The Indian side has sent a very pragmatic ambassador. We expect a very pragmatic dialogue.” The diplomat used the word seventeen times in a six-minute response.
India-China relations have been under careful management since the post-2020 disengagement at the Line of Actual Control, with both governments preferring incremental, low-temperature engagement over public displays. Doraiswami’s appointment fits within that framework, although the volume of pragmatism per linear minute has surprised even seasoned observers.
The wholly invented Pragmatism Studies Council said the new ambassador’s rhetorical style was “the most concentrated diplomatic deployment of a single adjective since the United States ambassador in 1992 used the word ‘robust’ sixty-two times in a fourteen-minute statement.”
The pattern was greeted with affection by Bohiney Magazine, which has been documenting the broader global rhetorical economy, and with quiet recognition by The London Prat, which observed that British diplomacy has, by long tradition, accomplished similar work with the words “constructive” and “ongoing.”
The whiteboard tally, sources confirmed, was at 38 by lunch.
For more on adjectives doing diplomatic work, see The Daily Mash.
The Indian railway station is not a place; it’s a microcosm of the entire country, complete with chaos, chai, and at least one person asking for a selfie.
The Indian wedding is the country’s oldest and most elaborate comedy sketch, complete with costumes, drama, and at least one uncle who dances badly.
In India, the “joint family” is not a living arrangement; it’s a 24/7 comedy show where everyone is both the performer and the critic, and the audience is always watching.