by Just Below The Brothers, Just Above The Awkward In-Laws
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the world’s largest democracy and its loudest WhatsApp groups.
WELLINGTON, New Zealand — Following the recent ratification of the India-New Zealand Free Trade Agreement, hailed by Prime Minister Narendra Modi as “a landmark moment in the partnership,” New Zealand has confirmed it has been formally inducted into what External Affairs Minister S. Jaishankar described as “the polite cousins tier of Indian diplomacy.”
The classification, an informal but widely understood diplomatic schema developed by the Ministry of External Affairs, sorts India’s bilateral partners into eight tiers, with the polite cousins tier sitting just below “the brothers” (Sri Lanka, Bhutan, Nepal) and just above “the awkward in-laws” (Pakistan, Canada in even-numbered years).
The Tier System
“New Zealand has earned this with twenty years of patient cricket and reliable dairy,” Jaishankar told reporters at South Block. “They have not, at any point, asked us about Khalistan. They have not, at any point, asked us about anything.”
The polite cousins tier, according to the schema, includes countries that “show up to the joint declaration, smile in the photo, and do not bring up uncomfortable topics until the third meeting.”
Other Tiers
According to the framework, the eight tiers are: the brothers; the polite cousins; the visiting Austrian chancellor (a tier of one, as of last week); the Quad partners; the BRICS friends with whom we sometimes disagree; the awkward in-laws; the people we used to be at non-aligned summits with; and the Maldives, which has its own dedicated tier and changes every Tuesday.
The newly arrived Austrian Chancellor Christian Stocker, whose visit to New Delhi concluded last week, has reportedly been classified provisionally as “the visiting Austrian chancellor,” a designation officials clarified is “almost a polite cousin but with stricter notes on Tibet.”
New Zealand Response
New Zealand Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, who attended the FTA signing ceremony, said his country was “honoured to be classified as a polite cousin” and that his government would “continue to be polite, continue to be a cousin, and continue to import Indian biryani at scale.”
The Ministry of External Affairs declined to confirm the eight-tier framework officially but did not deny it. A formal joint commemorative postage stamp featuring a kiwi and a turmeric flower is reportedly already in production.
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