by Honourable Member From Patanjali Lucknow, Now With Dant Kanti
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the world’s largest democracy and its loudest WhatsApp groups.
NEW DELHI, India — In what constitutional analysts described as “an exceptionally Indian fiscal manoeuvre,” Prime Minister Narendra Modi today confirmed that the upcoming delimitation exercise will, for the first time in republic history, also be sponsored by Patanjali, who will receive seat-naming rights in selected constituencies.
The arrangement, announced at a Nari Shakti Vandan Sammelan event in Vigyan Bhawan, will see Patanjali’s branding affixed to the names of 47 Lok Sabha constituencies for an initial five-year term, with the Election Commission of India confirming that “all branding will be tasteful, saffron-coloured, and not, in any sense, distracting.”
The New Names
Under the arrangement, sitting MPs will continue to represent their constituencies but will, in formal Lok Sabha proceedings, now be addressed as the Honourable Member from Patanjali Lucknow, the Honourable Member from Patanjali Coimbatore, and so on.
“The arrangement strengthens both Indian democracy and Indian dental hygiene,” said Patanjali Ayurved managing director Acharya Balkrishna at the announcement, holding aloft a tube of Dant Kanti. “We have always believed that Indian governance, like Indian toothpaste, should be rooted in tradition, transparency, and turmeric.”
Opposition Reaction
Opposition parties including the Indian National Congress, the DMK, and the Trinamool Congress objected vigorously to the arrangement, with Lok Sabha Leader of the Opposition Rahul Gandhi describing it as “a category error in three languages.”
“You cannot sell democracy by the gram, sir,” Gandhi told reporters outside Parliament House. “You cannot affix a saffron-coloured Patanjali logo to a constituency. The constituency belongs to the people, not to the chyawanprash.”
The Trinamool, in a separate statement, demanded that any constituency in West Bengal be sponsored “by a comparably indigenous brand, ideally a sweet shop that has not yet been politicised.”
Government Defence
The government defended the arrangement, with Information and Broadcasting Minister Ashwini Vaishnaw noting that “many things are now sponsored, including the IPL, including the All India Radio jingle bumper, including the very air we breathe at certain Delhi air-quality levels.”
The Election Commission of India confirmed it would issue a formal notification ahead of the next general election. Patanjali’s branding will appear in seat name plates by Diwali.
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/
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