by Bilateral relations described as ‘historic,’ ‘warm,’ and ‘conducted largely through confident gestures’
Bohiney Magazine | The London Prat
India Satire: The Warmest Call in Diplomatic History
NEW DELHI — Prime Minister Narendra Modi and US President Donald Trump held what official readouts from both governments describe as “a warm, productive, and historic phone call” reviewing bilateral cooperation and discussing West Asia and the Strait of Hormuz, a waterway which both men agree is important and which at least one of them can locate on a map.
The call, which lasted forty-five minutes according to the Indian side and “a long time, very long, I love India” according to the American side, resulted in no concrete policy change, no written agreement, and no reduction in the 50 percent tariffs the United States has placed on Indian imports of Russian oil — a tariff that is simultaneously punishing India for buying cheap Russian oil while America continues selling India expensive American weapons, a arrangement that economists describe as “creative” and diplomats describe as “fine, this is fine.”
Transcript Highlights: A Reconstruction
Our correspondent has obtained what may or may not be an accurate summary of the call, compiled from sources who were not on the call but feel confident about what was said. Trump reportedly opened by saying India is a “beautiful country, I’ve been there, the people love me, really love me, they had millions.” Modi responded with a carefully crafted statement about civilisational ties, shared democratic values, and the importance of the Quad alliance, which Trump received with the attentive silence of a man who is googling something else.
The Strait of Hormuz was discussed at length. India, which depends on the strait for substantial oil imports, was keen to convey the strategic importance of keeping it open. Trump reportedly agreed it should stay open, called it “tremendous water,” and suggested he might put his name on it, which diplomats from neither country transcribed into the official readout.
The Tariff Question: Dancing Around the Elephant
The 50 percent US tariff on Indian imports of Russian oil was, by all accounts, not resolved. India’s approach to this situation has been to (a) sign a trade deal with the European Union instead, (b) continue buying Russian oil while mentioning it less, and (c) be very warm on phone calls with Washington while quietly building alternative supply chains. This is called “strategic autonomy” and India has been doing it since 1947, which is why the country is simultaneously friends with Russia, America, and France, and fully trusted by none of them, which is exactly how India prefers it.
“We have a longstanding tradition of non-alignment,” a senior Indian foreign ministry official told our fictional correspondent, “which in practice means we align with everyone simultaneously and invoice each of them separately for the relationship.” He then clarified this was off the record, then asked if we were recording, then offered chai.
Modi: The World’s Most Hugged Leader
Modi has in recent years developed a foreign policy style best described as “aggressive warmth.” He hugs world leaders. He exchanges warm personal messages. He poses for photographs with a sincerity that makes even the most cynical foreign correspondent think, just briefly, that everything will be alright. He then returns home, holds a rally, and the foreign policy continues as before, which is to say, shrewdly and in India’s interest, which is, in the end, what foreign policy is for.
The Reuters Delhi bureau noted that despite the tariff tensions, US-India trade continues to grow, defence ties are deepening, and both nations share a strong interest in a stable Indo-Pacific. All of this is true. It is also true that Trump once referred to Modi as “a great gentleman” and described his hugs as “strong,” which is the most Trump-inflected diplomatic communique in the history of the republic.
The next call between the two leaders is expected in approximately six weeks, at which point all of the above will happen again, slightly warmer and equally unresolved.
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SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/
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